F1's Minardi Memorial Shield heats up Down Under – Australian GP review

Yes, it’s the titanic championship scrap everyone’s talking about.

As the lead contender found itself reduced to just one car in the heat of battle, another heavyweight competitor struck back with a double points finish for its car made in Maranello. The real fight of 2024 has just lit up.

No, it’s not Verstappen getting a bit hot under the caliper to give everyone else a go, but the gripping struggle for ‘best of the rest’ sixth place in the constructors’ championship.

In the Minardi–HRT F1 Memorial Shield (we’ve decided it’s called that) it’s the chance for a bit of glory for those almost-hopeless non-top five runners – just like the Jim Clark Trophy for non-turbo cars of yesteryear.

At the Australian GP, Haas landed a crucial blow on its rivals with a stunning ninth place finish for Nico Hülkenberg and a mesmerising 10th for its Viking warrior Kevin Magnussen – taking its constructors’ total this year to a stonking four points.

Yuki Tsunoda then slightly spoiled the party being promoted to seventh after Fernando Alonso’s misdemeanour (more on that below), meaning the Visa Cash App Something Or Other team now has six points, but the Japanese driver will probably bin it at the next race anyway and Daniel Ricciardo doesn’t look like he’s going to score points again this century.

It’s what was going up and going down at the 2024 Australian GP.

Goin’ Up

It Haas to be you

Turns out building a car from the Ferrari spares bin can work out for you – just ask the Banbury-Kannapolis-Maranello axis of Haas, who looked like a bunch of rockstars to claim the initiative before the post-race Yuki/Alonso shuffle.

Better a car built from odd-what-nots than no car at all, as Williams had to jettison Logan Sargeant from its weekend plans after Alex Albon wrote off his own machine.

Ironic that an organisation which in the past produced Le Mans and BTCC winners, the MG Metro Group B car and lots of other clever stuff from its Williams Advanced Engineering boffin squad in addition to a world-class F1 team now can’t even make a spare chassis in time for the season. Sad.

Heady heights

Yuki gets a lot of time on this page because, let’s face it, most of the other drivers aren’t that interesting.

You can always rely on Visa Crap App’s samurai for action and entertainment in equal spades though. Savour the seventh place before he crashes out of his home race amongst a flurry of F-bombs in a fortnight.

Smooth Operation

Smooth in all senses. Carlos needs to fill his boots before he moves to Kick Stake Sauber Hinwil Audi Who Cares, a team which can’t even do a pitstop right at the moment.

President MBS (Must be Balestre on Steroids)

After stringing gaffe after gaffe together to turn his presidential tenure into one towering ‘über-gaffe’, MBS has sidestepped the alleged race interference controversy and come out squeaky clean.

Just wait for the next political car crash to emerge/re-emerge.

Ah yes, there it is…

Wolff at the door

Told you it wouldn’t be long.

Susie Wolff is striking back after the FIA announced last year it was launching an investigation into the F1 Academy’s managing director and an alleged conflict of interest, due to being married to the Mercedes principal, apparently on the back of one shaky article from a fringe publication.

The Academy head honcho has now filed a criminal complaint against the governing body, saying “There has still not been any transparency or accountability in relation to the conduct of the FIA and its personnel in this matter.”

Partner Toto Wolff boosted his own worth to $1.6bn last year, so a few extra Euros in legal fees for F1’s dynamic duo shouldn’t be much hassle.

Power to the (already extremely privileged) people.

Goin’ Down

Sargeant given marching orders following Crypto cringe

🕰️ Whether it's Christmas Day or Race Day, crypto empowers you to send, transact and invest whenever you want. See what else crypto can do. 👉

— KrakenUK (@KrakenfxUK) February 1, 2024

Sargeant may have found himself on the bench after Albon’s bust up with the wall, but maybe it was for the best he took a break after getting involved in F1’s cringiest advert yet, promoting Kraken’s crypto products.

Just a shame Grove hasn’t been able to convert any of that crypto coinage into a real-life spare chassis.

In the ad Sargeant also says he’s a rookie, comparing that to the prospective customer getting into crypto. He isn’t one though. Weird.

The warning on the bottom of the promo is very appropriate for F1 too: ‘Don’t invest unless you’re prepared to lost all the money you invest’.

Red flag to a red rag

Alonso regularly races on the ragged edge – it’s why we all (begrudgingly) love him.

But in Melbourne the old bull took it too far, appearing to give a Formula Ford-style brake test mid-corner on Formula Partridge in their battle for sixth, wrongfooting the Merc driver and sending him into the barrier.

The left wing mirror, now honed into an aerodynamic scythe to help Brackley in its bid for, err, fifth place, dislodged and entered George’s cockpit – could have had his arm off.

At the risk of sounding a bit moral and overly lecture-y, the stewards rightly threw the proverbial book at the Aramco Martin driver.

Hamming it down

Worst ever start in F1 for Still We Whine.

Bet that Italian-Indian Summer can’t come soon enough.